Why am I doing?
I wonder often why it is I’m doing what I am doing. What has lead me here? What decisions did I make that drug me along the path that I’m on? Should I be doing what I am doing right now or is what I am doing right now a result of greed or selfishness and I’m being given over to my sins? This last question has been the one that constantly plagues me. See, as a person who suffers greatly from anxiety/depression I often question and “what if” everything I do. I realize now that my faith in God is not well rooted, or maybe I should say, I still cannot grasp God’s great grace nor can I accept how beloved I am to Him. That I am His treasure. Because my faith lacks in this area, I am constantly afraid of “messing up”, or of not being “good enough” for him or I’m somehow naively following some blissful path that is not pleasing to God. So what do I do? I constantly ask forgiveness for everything I do, everything that I am and I doubt everything.
However, this is wrong. And I know God is teaching me now that I can let go of the reigns a bit and let him rule over my life. Let Him, or should I say, accept that, He has me. He guides my life and it is written in His book and my decisions cannot change His love for me.
I am, everything He made me to be. I am a dancer, a lover a music. I am introverted in my thoughts. I think and compose, choreograph and speak constantly to God. Literally, constantly. I have a very loud brain. One that never ceases. One that constantly sorts out the world within the confines of my skull. Probably why I am up at midnight typing this. I have to speak. I have to talk about the complexities of my thoughts. I used to hate this part of me, but now….I rather love it. Why? Because it’s ME! It’s the way He made me!
I remember feeling rather out of place when we lived in NC. A girl who loved God, but loved to dance, loved to drink wine, loved to go out and listen to music. I was not the scrapbooking, crafty, parenting book reading, family Bible study time, home cooked dinner making mom. These aren’t bad, but these weren’t me. I tried doing these things. I guilted myself into doing these things. I was convinced that I was a horrible Christian mom because I didn’t do all these wholesome things. For nearly 10 years now I have put myself through all kinds of suffering thinking I needed to be someone I wasn’t. I am Jenn! I am me. I have been knitted together my God’s hands in my mother’s womb. And He doesn’t make mistakes. He loves Jenn! He adores me and treasures me and wants me to be the woman He has made me to be. I can glorify and praise God by loving the unique person He has made me to be and by loving others the way God has made them to be!
So Why am I doing what it is I’m doing now? How in the world could I be in Network Marketing. In multi-level marketing? Somehow, unfortunately, these words have a very negative stigma attached to them. Trust me…I thought negatively of these words until I stopped and asked, “why?” What do I really know about this business model? Not, what have I heard others say, but what do I really know? The answer was…NOTHING. I only had preconceived and erroneous ideas.
So, why am I doing what I’m doing? Because God led me to this very place. He has made me the kind of individual who sees the beauty, absolute beauty in this type of business model and He presented to me a company in which I can thrive, if I so choose to trust and believe in His offering to me this opportunity. You see, God, in making me very contemplative, has developed me into a person who honestly wants more than anything to lift up His people. I have an internal hunger and desire to encourage people and to help them see their beauty, their purpose, their unique and awesome reason for being who they are and where they are right here, right now!! In my suffering over 25 years, I have found peace when praying for others or in encouraging others to know their worth. Perhaps along the way I was hoping I would really soak in and believe what it was I was speaking. It didn’t always work, but it for sure kept me alive and here today! In doing what I am doing today, I can truly offer to ANYONE, the opportunity to succeed. No pedigree, or college degree, no fashion sense or Hollywood beauty required. Whether you are a pediatric brain surgeon or a stay at home mom, a high powered attorney or a plumber, you can succeed and succeed greatly with diligence, perseverance and belief in your calling. The thrilling part for me, why I know I love what it is I’m doing, is that I get to teach and encourage. By putting others before me, by assisting and encouraging them to succeed, even succeed greater than myself, I will benefit and be rewarded for this type of work. I never fit into the corporate model. Never. It caused me such great anxiety that everyday on my way to work I would actually hope for a car accident so that I had a legitimate reason not go in. Yes, I was sick at the time and undiagnosed with anxiety….BUT I never fit into the system in which one could only succeed by proving they were better than another. In the dog eat dog world. I HATED the idea that the more initials I had after my name meant something. Or how many additional nursing certificates I could get meant a meager promotion or meant more respect amongst colleagues and physicians. It was so opposite of my true self that it devoured and digested me and left me ???? void? I was nothing but a human form full of stress hormones that left me in a constant fight or flight mode. And I flew…I took flight every time! I changed jobs so many times. Looking back on my history now, it’s obvious what was happening to me. Many will blame it on the anxiety diagnosis, others will look right past me as a person who has no executive stamina, charisma or fortitude to succeed in this world when really, all it has been for so long is Me living a life that isn’t Me, but is the world. I have already proven that I have intelligence, charisma, fortitude, and perseverance. I now know, that if I HAD to, I could make it in the corporate world. I could play the game, and I could do very well. But I don’t want to. I like, no I love, seeing others do better than me. I love cheering people on. Trust me, I’m a mother of 3 children, so I’m not afraid of work, but I am not in need of a title. I don’t need to concoct a resume in my mind that I can use at any party I go to to impress people. To wow them with the sacrifices I have made in order to be the #1 such and such. No longer do I feel that pressure to downplay others, gossiping about their ineptitude in order to try and promote my incredible intelligence (this is so pervasive in the medical world). Now, I work hard at encouraging people I know to try something that I truly believe is amazing and I also recruit people looking for a chance to escape the corporate rat race, enjoy the lives and time they have been given and go for it! Actually be able to make a living that would be impossible in their current work environment. I’m at home in this kind of environment. This is why I am doing what I’m doing despite the negativity I hear, despite the lack of support I receive, despite the ignoring and silence I get. Does this hurt? Ahhh, YES!! It hurts me a lot. I feel trapped sometimes, not being able to express my real desire, my true motive and knowing that some of the people I approach are probably thinking horrible things about me or what I do. How crazy is it, that a person like me, who constantly battles with anxiety, would enter into a business which challenges ones core beliefs about themselves daily. Even I wonder, “what am I doing?” But this is good for me!! Every moment I have to remember who I am! Who I am to God!!! I have to remind myself that I am loved more than I can every comprehend! I was brought to this very time, very place, very situation, very business by God in order to good, in order to glorify Him. And that is my intention. To do good, while honoring who I am and in doing so, to give glory and praise to my Maker!
Where ever you are, who ever you are. Don’t feel guilty about being the person God made you. If you are an artist, be an artist, if you’re a dancer, dance! If you’re incredible at math, follow that. Don’t work yourself into slavery being what you think you should be. Be whom God made you to be and trust that He has you, He loves you, He adores you and His grace covers you. Find your WHY and do it to the glory of God!
I know my story is unique to me, I am my own chapter in God’s book, just as you are. But we are also the same…trying to reconcile who we are with what the world thinks we should be. Listen to God, know Him and His word and rest in the fact that He made you, YOU!